“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
You Might Also Like
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Gemma Correll
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth