“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
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Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I will never stop laughing at this
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards