Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Hey I worked for it too!
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
😭😭
