Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
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They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*