Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
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Me trying to look natural in photos
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”