Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
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The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I bet
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Super Hand Dog Face
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.