Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
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Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
Just had my nails done!
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
🤣🤣🤣
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection