Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
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Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
The happy life.. 😊
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Just parrot things
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.