Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
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It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Not recommended for beginners.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel