@djdarrellripley

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

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@randypaint

[family using ouija board after my death]

brother: how is heaven?

me: S U C K S

brother: why?

me: N O D R U G S

brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too

me: J K M O M H A H A

@JPLFR80

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

@SJSchauer

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

@shadygrenade

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

@OzKamal

The only way I can trust someone is if they help me murder at least 2 people

@WhaJoTalkinBout

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

@Schmoodles

Facebook: Because I like being reminded that I went to school with idiots.

@letsgetgizzy

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

@marebytes

I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”

@daemonic3

[getting cuffed and arrested]

me: but officer it was medicinal

cop: again, there’s no such thing as medicinal homicide