Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Morningbreath

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I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

me before I type out affect or effect

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

🏠

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf