“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
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Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve