“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
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“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.