“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.