“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
