“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
they split up moments later
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical