“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
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SONOFA
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.