Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
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*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
📽️movie date🎞️
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house