Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

me after drinking all the wine:

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.