Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
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HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism