Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince