Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
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me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?