Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
You Might Also Like
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.