Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
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H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
time machine? you mean a clock?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.