Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.