Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
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Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person