Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
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My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
welcome back
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened