oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
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I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
no such thing as a dumb question
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.