Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

12653.

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.