Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I missed you with all my darts
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
how to have fun when you’re poor
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants