Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
#gardening
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok