Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
he’s doing your taxes
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Catercrombie & Fish
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.