Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
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her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
…..pretty much.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
