Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?