“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
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It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.