Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

what could possibly go wrong?

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
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*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
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*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
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*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
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*go back once more*

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you