Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

Happy Taco Tuesday

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”