Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔