oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
spot the difference
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping