oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
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I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
This is hilarious….
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.