Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

Me trying to reach for my goals

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.