“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
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Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[montage of me giving-up]
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
This is why I hate group projects
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.