Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

I want to meet the individual who made this

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

water it, i dare you

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

hardest line in real life

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

WTF