“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
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“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
⛄️
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
he chose this
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime