I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
You Might Also Like
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.