The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
“Oh I’ll be your relationship status alright…”
-me sleeping outside this Taco Bell
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[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
Me: But we’ll get through it.
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.
Him: *breaks down crying
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-