Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
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My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Unimpressed
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
more water
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom