oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)