oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
normalize having existential bread
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.