Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

They’re on their honeymoon

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Breakfast in bed.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid