Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

Well, this is awkward

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

If looks could kill

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

Tammy is short for Tamuel

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80