Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
me irl
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.