Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
normalize having existential bread
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?