“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
sure, why not
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
the red hot silly peppers
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill