“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
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My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.