Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy a good short stor

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.