“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
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My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
This made me chuckle cuz mood
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.