“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
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People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
The French cow says MEUX…
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?