“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
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even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I already tried new things thanks.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.