Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.