Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

In banana years, I am bread.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts