Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
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Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?