Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!