Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
You Might Also Like
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
