Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.