Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.