Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.