Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

you’re damn right i have

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

who wants to go expliring

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.