Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
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“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.