Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
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Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale