Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
When I face a minor setback
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
