“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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Nose
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
The glory of fall.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
This raises questions
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”