“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
it must be school picture day
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Worlds greatest photobomb
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”