“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.