Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

it must be school picture day

You got this…

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.