“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”