“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Dumplings,
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok