Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job