Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
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When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
selena gomez
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger