“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
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Me driving through Toronto
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*