“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
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Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Battery falling down a hole
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.