Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

🤝

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*