Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

🐶😂

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!