Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

Finally

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

The internet is magic sometimes.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.