oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
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I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Science is fun!
#nottrue
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
good work, detective
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing