Oh my god
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the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery