Oh my God.
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not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
#Caturday
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
